People often talk about the loneliness of leaders. But that of HR professionals, more discreet, is less recognized—even though it affects those who chose this profession out of a genuine interest in people. HR loneliness is not only decisional; it is also emotional.
Listening, supporting, creating connections: all valuable qualities, but ones that can also be isolating, in a role where you take care of others without always being supported yourself.
Laurence Janssens, Partner at Altesia HR, shares her experience of this loneliness—and what helps her maintain balance and purpose. She also offers a few practical insights for leaders and executive committee members: how to better support those who, on a daily basis, support others.
Strategic loneliness vs emotional loneliness
Loneliness is not a phenomenon unique to HR. Leaders experience it too: delicate decisions, heavy responsibilities, information to keep to oneself. But for HR professionals, this loneliness takes a different form.
It is not only about position or confidentiality, but also about the very nature of their job: supporting, listening, taking care of people on a daily basis. This emotional closeness makes certain situations harder to bear, precisely because they conflict with the humanistic drive that motivated the choice of this profession.
When you work in HR, you often receive difficult confidences. You learn in advance about certain sensitive decisions: reorganizations, layoffs, terminations of collaboration. Sometimes, you do not even agree with what you are asked to implement. And yet, you carry it, without being able to share it.
“You have to play a role, keep a poker face. You listen, you absorb, you keep moving forward. And all of this without ever showing that it affects you. And without anyone ever asking whether we, HR professionals, also need to be heard.”
To the strategic loneliness linked to responsibility and decision-making—which other leaders also experience—is therefore added, for HR Directors, an emotional loneliness, more diffuse: that of carrying others’ emotions, containing without being able to release, absorbing without ever being heard.
This emotional loneliness is shared by all HR functions, whether one is an HRBP, in Reward, an HR Manager, or even a Payroll Officer.
- The payroll officer who receives a leave certificate following the loss of a child, and is not allowed to talk about it.
- The Reward manager who secretly prepares a restructuring plan, and spends entire days pretending to be “just very busy,” while already knowing the names of the people affected.
- The HRBP who builds a dismissal file while interacting daily with the employee concerned, without being able to say anything.
- The HR Manager to whom employees come to cry, to lay down their distress… but who can never, themselves, break down in turn.
What makes this loneliness so heavy is not only what we know. It is the fact of never being able to show it—and above all, that no one questions what it costs us.
Saying what no one wants to hear
And then there is another form of loneliness, this time no longer linked to keeping silent, but to breaking it.
It shows up in those moments when you have to speak up… when no one wants to do it.
Other leaders also experience these moments when decisions must be made or when you have to say no. But for HR professionals, speaking up is different: it is not (only) about arbitrating a strategy, but also about reminding people of a framework, values, and human coherence, often where the collective would rather look away.
Naming a human inconsistency is far more uncomfortable than discussing a strategic option. Because shedding light on a human issue often triggers emotional reactions: denial, justification, minimization, even attack. Talking about people means confronting the organization with the gap between what it claims to value and what it actually tolerates. The person who speaks up on such a topic risks being perceived as moralizing, too emotional, or not business-aligned.
For example, when an HR professional questions a decision that seems inconsistent with the company’s stated values.
“I remember an executive committee meeting where bonuses were being discussed. One employee had excellent sales results, but their behavior toward colleagues was problematic: pressure, weekend calls, aggressiveness… Everyone knew it, but no one dared say it. I simply reminded them that, in our evaluation framework, performance also included being a role model. And then, not a word—just an awkward silence.”
“By asking the question, I became the one who highlighted an inconsistency everyone could see, but no one wanted to name.”
HR professionals are often presented as the guardians of the company’s values. On paper, everyone agrees. But in operational reality, this mission is rarely recognized for what it truly is. This “guardian” role sometimes becomes symbolic, as long as results are good and the business is running.
“There is a real gap between what we say we value and what we are willing to hear. When you point out an inconsistency, you can quickly be perceived as ‘too emotional,’ or not business-aligned, even though you are simply reminding people of the rules the organization itself has set.”
Breaking the silence, daring to name the problem (especially a human one), is often unsettling. And yet, it is also a way to protect the company: by setting clear boundaries today, we avoid heavier human (and business) damage tomorrow.
The flip side of a “human” profession
This loneliness—whether it comes from the silence you break or the silence you must keep—often rests on a fundamental misunderstanding:
“We think HR deals with relationships. And that’s true. But we forget that relationships are not always pleasant connections. They also involve conflict, sadness, heavy decisions, and imposed silences.”
Loving people does not protect you from anything. On the contrary: it makes certain situations more complex, more exposing, more exhausting.
And because this profession is built precisely on listening and paying attention to others, we too often forget that HR professionals, too, may need a space to lay down what they carry.
Keys to recharging
“What really helps me is having an external coach. Someone outside the company, without bias, without political games. Just a neutral space to lay things out.”
Added to this are personal resources: running, yoga, moments to let circulate what cannot be said.
And then staying aligned with your values, even when it is uncomfortable:
“For me, my values are a real anchor point. When something goes against my deepest values, I speak up. Even if it’s not the right time. Even if it’s poorly received. It’s the only way not to betray myself.”
Because what makes it possible to keep going, is not armoring yourself—it is not betraying yourself.
Creating the conditions so the HR role is not carried out in solitude
But it would be illusory to think that everything rests solely on the shoulders of HR professionals. Leaders and executive committee members also have a role to play, by paying closer attention to what the HR role implies—silently.
For example:
- Acknowledging what the role entails, and being aware of the emotional and social load it can represent
- Creating a space where HR can also be heard
- Not expecting them to hold on alone, all the time, no matter what
Because when you entrust someone with taking care of others, you also have a duty to ensure that they do not burn out in that role.
